Unlike Jesus, the Buddha didn’t explicitly instruct us to “love our enemies.” However, he did instruct us to extend goodwill, or Metta, to all beings unconditionally – including, of course, our enemies. In this time of growing divisiveness, what does it really mean to follow this teaching? Most people will admit that nurturing resentment and hatred is probably a bad idea, but on the other hand it feels completely unacceptable to capitulate to – surrender to or stop resisting – those who we perceive as causing harm. Fortunately, there are many benefits to loving our enemies, and doing so does not mean capitulating to them.
Quicklinks to Article Content:
Some of the Buddha’s Teachings on Metta, Unconditional Goodwill
Resistance to Extending Metta to Our Enemies
The Profound Benefits of Extending Metta Even to Our Enemies
Loving Our Enemies Does Not Mean Capitulation
I don’t know whether our societies are more divided than they have been in the past, but these days it seems common for people across the political spectrum to feel at least as much animosity toward some of their fellow countrymen as they feel toward those in countries identified as enemies. We are horrified by the behavior, choices, ideology, and politics of the “other side.” It feels impossible to reflect on someone from the other side and reconcile their supposed human decency with their nonsensical, destructive, abominable views and actions. We know that if our side could gain control and neutralize our opponents, our communities, cities, states, and nations would be prosperous, peaceful, and moral.
When we hear that people on the “other side” regard us with horror, confusion, disgust, disdain, and fear, we know they are mistaken. We know they just don’t understand our position. Our horror, disgust, and fear, on the other hand, are entirely justified.
You may or may not think of yourself as having “enemies” – that may seem like too strong or warlike a term – but for the purposes of social discourse and spiritual practice, we all have enemies. They are the other person, the other group, or the amorphous “other side,” who – at least from our point of view – harms us or those we care about, threatens what we value, misunderstands and disrespects us.
I won’t spend time here going into the negative consequences of this kind of social and political divisiveness here; suffice to say that it may end up causing the downfall of the United States, other democracies, and perhaps the earth’s natural life-support systems.
If the Buddha were alive today, he would scold everyone who nurtures ill-will toward their neighbor, or toward anyone. Okay, he probably wouldn’t scold us, that’s not something he did. He would caution us to overcome our ill-will no matter who was the subject of it. In the Dhammapada, the Buddha explains:
All experience is preceded by mind, led by mind, made by mind.
Speak or act with a corrupted mind, and suffering follows as the wagon wheel follows the hoof of the ox.
All experience is preceded by mind, led by mind, made by mind.
Speak or act with a peaceful mind, and happiness follows like a never-departing shadow.“He abused me, attacked me, defeated me, robbed me!” For those carrying on like this, hatred does not end.
“She abused me, attacked me, defeated me, robbed me!” For those not carrying on like this, hatred ends.Hatred never ends through hatred. By non-hate alone does it end.[i]
Metta is the Pali word for “goodwill,” and the Buddha taught us to deliberately cultivate Metta along with the ability to extend it to all beings unconditionally. This is the Buddhist version of the Christian teaching “love your enemy.”
In this episode, I’m going to share some of the Buddha’s teachings on Metta and discuss what it really means to extend unconditional goodwill to someone. Then I’ll talk about why it’s beneficial to practice Metta even for – perhaps especially for – our enemies, and how doing so has nothing whatsoever to do with capitulation.
Some of the Buddha’s Teachings on Metta, Unconditional Goodwill
Metta is an attitude of goodwill toward someone. It means you are concerned about their welfare and want them to be happy. You want them to be free from fear, anxiety, pain, and any kind of suffering. Sometimes Metta is translated as love, loving-kindness, or friendliness. I prefer the word “goodwill” because it is free from extra connotations associated with romantic love, do-gooding, or preferential friendship. Goodwill is simply the opposite of ill-will or wishing unhappiness for someone.
The Buddha taught that harboring ill-will is one of the five fundamental hindrances to spiritual peace, and deliberately trying to convert your ill-will into goodwill is the way to free yourself from the hindrance. The Buddha praises this practice in this sutta passage (here Metta is translated as “loving-kindness”):
For one who mindfully develops
Boundless loving-kindness
Seeing the destruction of clinging,
The fetters are worn away.If with an uncorrupted mind
He pervades just one being
With loving kindly thoughts,
He makes some merit thereby.But a noble one produces
An abundance of merit
By having a compassionate mind
Towards all living beings.Those royal seers who conquered
The earth crowded with beings
Went about performing sacrifices…But these do not share even a sixteenth part
Of a well cultivated mind of love,
Just as the entire starry host
Is dimmed by the moon’s radiance.[ii]
In the famous Karaniya Metta Sutta, the Buddha describes the attitude of Metta (these lines excerpted from the longer text):
This is what should be done
By one who is skilled in goodness,
And who knows the path of peace:
Wishing: In gladness and in safety,
May all beings be at ease…
Let none deceive another,
Or despise any being in any state…
Even as a mother protects with her life
Her child, her only child,
So with a boundless heart
Should one cherish all living beings;
Radiating kindness over the entire world:
Spreading upwards to the skies,
And downwards to the depths;
Outwards and unbounded,
Freed from hatred and ill-will. [iii]
The formal practice of cultivating Metta is a kind of meditation, and I discuss it in detail in Episode 66: The Four Brahmaviharas, or Sublime Social Attitudes – Part 2 (Metta). Briefly, you call to mind someone for whom it’s easy for you to feel goodwill and then try to summon that feeling. With the subject in your mind’s eye, you say to yourself, “May you be free from fear and anxiety, may you be at ease, may you be truly happy.” You try to feel your wish for this person’s happiness, perhaps imagining them joyful and at ease. Ideally, you end up with your heart feeling warm and open. Then, trying to hold on to that feeling, you call to mind someone for whom it is a little more difficult for you to feel goodwill. Once you can sincerely and unconditionally send Metta to that person, you move on to someone more challenging. If you reach a point where your heart closes down, you explore the limitations of your goodwill.
Trying to extend Metta to someone doesn’t have to be limited to formal meditation, of course. You can try to notice when you feel ill-will toward someone – or a group of people – and explore what it feels like to wish them well instead. (This is all I’ll say about the how of Metta practice in this episode; see Episode 66 for more on that.)
Resistance to Extending Metta to Our Enemies
What is the nature of this attitude of love or goodwill we’re encouraged to cultivate and extend? It’s easy to picture a young child you know, or your dog, and connect with your sincere and natural desire that they be happy and free from fear. This Metta feels open and uncomplicated. It has nothing to do with you. Metta doesn’t arise in response to your anticipation of this being doing something for you. It isn’t dampened by concerns about exactly how the being’s happiness can be brought about. Instead, Metta blooms out of a sincere appreciation for the life manifested in that being. You are saddened by their suffering and gladdened by their joys as if connected to them.
The moment we try to feel Metta for a difficult person, we begin to appreciate how incredibly conditional our goodwill usually is. Our close friends and family might inspire unlimited goodwill in us if they are behaving in a way we approve of. It can be difficult to extend Metta even to yourself without a long laundry list of things you need to finish or fix before you’re allowed to be truly happy. When it comes to people who have hurt us, or who appear to be behaving immorally and selfishly, the spigot of the “Metta fountain” shuts right off. Loving or feeling Metta for your enemies? That’s just folly, if not morally reprehensible.
In his famous speech, “Loving Your Enemies,” delivered in Montgomery, Alabama in 195, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. acknowledged this teaching is a very challenging one:
In the fifth chapter of the gospel as recorded by Saint Matthew, we read these very arresting words flowing from the lips of our Lord and Master: “Ye have heard that it has been said, ‘Thou shall love thy neighbor, and hate thine enemy.’ But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them that despitefully use you; that ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven.”2
Certainly these are great words, words lifted to cosmic proportions. And over the centuries, many persons have argued that this is an extremely difficult command. Many would go so far as to say that it just isn’t possible to move out into the actual practice of this glorious command. They would go on to say that this is just additional proof that Jesus was an impractical idealist who never quite came down to earth. So the arguments abound. But far from being an impractical idealist, Jesus has become the practical realist. The words of this text glitter in our eyes with a new urgency. Far from being the pious injunction of a utopian dreamer, this command is an absolute necessity for the survival of our civilization. Yes, it is love that will save our world and our civilization, love even for enemies.
Now let me hasten to say that Jesus was very serious when he gave this command; he wasn’t playing. He realized that it’s hard to love your enemies. He realized that it’s difficult to love those persons who seek to defeat you, those persons who say evil things about you. He realized that it was painfully hard, pressingly hard. But he wasn’t playing.[iv]
If you explore your resistance to feeling Metta for your enemy, you’re likely to discover (at least) two things.
First, it’s likely that some part of you believes you control the world with your mind. You believe that you hold wrongdoers accountable and keep evil at bay by withholding your goodwill, even if this withholding happens only in your mind and doesn’t manifest in any impactful way in the world. If you let go of the ill-will you’re holding on to because of a past egregious violation against you, somehow the universe will shift and the burden of punishment on the perpetrator will lessen. He’ll stand up a little straighter and start thinking what he did wasn’t so bad after all. If you let go of the disapproval and moral outrage you carry around about people who are actively destroying things you care about, if you send them some Metta, they’ll celebrate their sudden freedom of movement and wreak even more havoc on the world. Maybe they’ll be able to capture the essence of the Metta and use it to become stronger. These may sound like silly beliefs, but our instinct for self-preservation runs deep and our subconscious convictions are often irrational.
Second, you may recognize that you equate extending Metta to your enemy as synonymous with capitulation, which means surrender or giving up resistance. For example, how can you extend Metta to someone who assaulted you without deciding, at some level, what they did was excusable? You might have a healthy internal boundary around this traumatic event that says, “Definitely not okay.” You might have worked for many years to create that boundary. Should you now take it down? You might be able to talk yourself into Metta for someone who has hurt you in the past, but what about someone who continues to cause harm in the present? Someone who threatens what’s most precious to you? Who attacks you verbally and seeks to ruin your reputation?
Many of us who consider ourselves “spiritual” are at first willing to give lip service to the value of loving our enemies. But when it really comes down to it, it feels distasteful and unnatural. Some part of us, formed by natural selection over the millennia, is driven to call out and disapprove of wrongdoers and exclude them from the warmth and safety of the group. Wishing for their happiness? Isn’t that wishing for them to escape punishment, or to continue to profit from their harmful actions, or to escape the pangs of conscience? Doesn’t giving the gift of Metta indiscriminately mean we stop distinguishing between friends and foes, opening our hearts to abusers, thieves, and murderers? Does dropping our ill-will toward our enemies require us to stop opposing what they are doing?
The Profound Benefits of Extending Metta Even to Our Enemies
It turns out that loving your enemies in the way Christ taught, or extending Metta to them in the way Buddha taught, does not involve capitulation to them. In fact, in many – if not most – cases, capitulation would be a harmful thing to do, whether that meant internally compromising your values and boundaries, or externally giving up your efforts to oppose what you think is wrong and work for what you think is right. To understand how Metta functions, we need to look closely at what it is.
In his speech, “Loving Your Enemies,” Martin Luther King talked about three Greek words for different kinds of love. Eros is powerful, aesthetic love, such as we have for romantic partners, or nature, or the divine. Philia is the love of friendship, a mutual positive regard. King then describes agape, which he believes is the kind of love we’re asked to feel for our enemies:
…agape is more than eros. Agape is more than philia. Agape is something of the understanding, creative, redemptive goodwill for all men. It is a love that seeks nothing in return. It is an overflowing love; it’s what theologians would call the love of God working in the lives of men. And when you rise to love on this level, you begin to love men, not because they are likeable, but because God loves them. You look at every man, and you love him because you know God loves him. And he might be the worst person you’ve ever seen.[iv]
I think that agape as King describes it is very close to – perhaps synonymous with – Metta. Of course, as Buddhists we generally don’t think of it in terms of God. As a Mahayana Buddhist, I could describe Metta as acknowledging the Buddha-Nature inherent in each being. We don’t have to be able to see someone as a Buddha. Like King says, if you are looking at the worst person you’ve ever seen, you “love him because you know God loves him.” In other words, you are very unlikely to feel philia toward the person, or friendly positive regard. That’s not necessary. Instead, you simply adjust your heart to acknowledge that this being is not excluded from God’s creation (if you’re theistic) or from the Dharmakaya (the Dharma body of Reality, if you’re a Mahayana Buddhist).
The benefit of extending Metta to your enemies might be better thought of as freeing yourself from the painful, corrosive, distorting, exhausting, disturbing, and constraining effects of ill-will. We feel ill-will – resentment, anger, irritation, even hatred – because we perceive ourselves, or something we care about, as being under threat. Sometimes we are under threat, of course, so anger can be important information. However, after we’ve gleaned the relevant information from the anger, it’s no longer useful to us. It compromises our clarity of mind, increases our stress hormones, exhausts us and takes a toll on our health, and causes us to act in unhelpful ways. Nevertheless, we hold on to our ill-will and nurture it because, as I discussed earlier, we believe that it punishes or restrains our enemy, or because we’re determined to remain in a state of paranoid readiness for the next assault.
When we’re able to release our grip on our ill-will, we recognize the negative effects of holding on to it. To me, it feels like an unclenching of something inside. After all, along the Independent Dimension of Reality, there is no separation between me and all Being. There is no “me!” Goodwill and compassion aren’t virtues enacted by good people on behalf of other people, they are a way to describe the activity of the One Body. Like our hand reaches for the pillow in the night, goodwill and compassion flow between what appears to be separate beings. My ill-will is an attempt to shut down that flow of goodwill, to deny our ultimate interconnectedness and emptiness of my self and all its stories. Resisting the flow takes energy. Resistance causes tension, which perpetuates the anger, resentment, fear, sadness, or even hatred.
Of course, this is just a philosophical explanation of what we can directly experience for ourselves. You may have a different way of describing it. The truth discovered by the Buddha, Christ, and many other wise beings is that ill-will is a burden we carry that hurts us, not our enemy. One Buddhist text encourages us to practice Metta by comparing holding on to anger to picking up a red-hot coal our enemy has thrown at us.[v]
When I find a way to release my resentment – not through force of will, by lecturing myself on how I should feel, but through an honest internal investigation and patient practice – I feel free. The past and present actions of the person I have previously held a grudge against no longer feel so personally relevant to me. I’m better able to see how they are acting out their own delusions and suffering. I can see what in the past I should take responsibility for, and what was totally beyond my control. In terms of relating to the person, if that is still necessary, I feel much more firmly grounded in my own being – clearer, stronger, ready to resist without hatred or anger, but also ready to be flexible if things change.
Loving Our Enemies Does Not Mean Capitulation
Far from being dependent on our ill-will, our ability to perceive things clearly and respond appropriately increases when we’re able to release it. Releasing ill-will and becoming able to extend Metta feels like emerging from a tiny, cramped space. We’re able to stand up, stretch, look around, and decide where to go next. Loving our enemies not only relieves our own suffering, it vastly increases the possibility that we will find a positive way forward in this world which, like it or not, includes our enemies.
To encourage yourself to extend Metta to your enemies, remind yourself over and over again, “Loving my enemies does not mean capitulation. Loving my enemies does not mean capitulation.” This may help put your mind and heart at ease and allow you to accept the practice more readily. The intention of Metta practice isn’t to make you a doormat or blind you to people’s moral failings. It’s to free you from your own handicaps of self-concern and ill-will, leaving you better able to respond with strength and wisdom. It may help, when you wish for your enemies to be happy, that you wish for them to be truly happy. This points beyond a shallow wish for your enemy to feel pleasure and escape any kind of discomfort, and toward what would be a lasting a spiritual happiness – one that might require facing the consequences of their actions, or doing some hard work.
If you have been truly and deeply injured by someone, attempting to drop your ill-will toward them may be a challenge to whatever emotional strength and stability you have managed to build. It may be helpful to think of extending Metta to them as taking back your power. By dropping your ill-will, you refuse to let them continue to torment you. If you are still threatened by the person, naturally you should seek to stop their harmful activities or get away from them, but you no longer need to carry around anger, sadness, regret, longing, or whatever other negative emotions are wrapped up in your ill-will. This is disentangling your karma from theirs.
What if by some chance our enemy finds out we feel goodwill towards them? I think many of us fear that this will embolden them or cause them to feel superior to us, but it’s important to remember that Metta is not philia, or friendly affection. We aren’t seeking to become buddies with our enemy, or to embrace their views and actions as acceptable. When we’re able to sincerely feel Metta for someone while standing firmly on our own ground, our enemy may be unnerved. They’re not able to upset us the way they are used to doing. If our enemy claims our Metta as if it were an endorsement, he will only embarrass himself.
It may also help to remember that Metta practice is not transactional. It’s tempting to think of Metta as a gift I am giving to my enemy, slightly increasing their stature in the world while decreasing my own. Amazingly, Metta increases Metta and decreases nothing. It’s like the story I grew up with called “The Warm Fuzzy Tale,” by Claude M. Steiner.[vi] In it, people are given a bag of “warm fuzzies” when they’re born. A warm fuzzy makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. People ask each other for warm fuzzies all the time, and they are freely given and never run out. Then a sinister character convinces people to hand out “cold pricklies” instead, because their warm fuzzies might run out. Predictably, warm fuzzies start to be hoarded and everyone is afflicted with a sense of scarcity. Only the children keep giving warm fuzzies freely.
Similarly, extending Metta only increases the amount of positive energy in the world. Even when you are thinking of “sending” Metta to someone else, it’s your own heart that gets filled.
Endnotes
[i] Fronsdal, Gil. The Dhammapada: A New Translation of the Buddhist Classic with Annotations . Shambhala Publications. Kindle Edition.
[ii] “Itivuttaka: The Group of Ones” (Iti 24-27), translated from the Pali by John D. Ireland. Access to Insight (BCBS Edition), 24 November 2013, http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/kn/iti/iti.1.024-027.irel.html .
[iii] “Karaniya Metta Sutta: The Buddha’s Words on Loving-Kindness” (Sn 1.8), translated from the Pali by The Amaravati Sangha. Access to Insight (BCBS Edition), 2 November 2013, http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/kn/snp/snp.1.08.amar.html .
[iv] “Loving Your Enemies,” Sermon Delivered at Dexter Avenue Baptist Church by King, Martin Luther, Jr. November 17, 1957, Montgomery, Ala. https://kinginstitute.stanford.edu/king-papers/documents/loving-your-enemies-sermon-delivered-dexter-avenue-baptist-church
[v] Buddhaghosa, and Ñāṇamoli (translator). The Path of Purification: Visuddhimagga. Berkeley, Calif: Shambhala Publications, 1976. Click here for a pdf.
[vi] Steiner, Claude M. The Original Warm Fuzzy Tale. Original publication 1969, re-released 2024, Doohan Family Medicine Consultants. PDF: https://reenchantements.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/warm-fuzzy-tale.pdf
Picture Credit Image by Tom from Pixabay
